Life Lessons from Horror Movies
I love a good horror movie. Okay scratch that. I love a few select horror movies and none of them are recent. Trust me, just ask anyone who gets incredibly mad at me laughing the entire time because I just cannot suspend my disbelief for two or so hours. I might get into my favorites in another post because I just finished watching the 1979 version of the Amityville Horror and AMC's Fear Fest is going to start in just a few days. Plenty to write about, right?
We all know the horror movie clichés. I mean, if we didn't there wouldn't have been 5, yes FIVE, Scary Movie franchise films to mock them. For example: There's the typical don't go camping because, of course, nothing good ever happens in the woods. Who likes spending time outdoors anyway? Another good one: Don't be a promiscuously dressed female attempting to run away from any ghost, zombie, monster, or killer. Why would you be wearing heels at time like this? Are you serious right now? Get rid of them and high tail it out of there, girl. See what I'm getting at? So I chose 6 of the best life lessons we can learn from classic horror movies to get ourselves through the next few creepy weeks leading up to Halloween.
Don't Buy That (Creepy) Abandoned Yet Affordable Home
Oh, you mean to tell me this incredibly run down perfectly suited for an episode of Fixer Upper home comes with all the existing furniture in it at an affordable price? Run. Away. Take a few minutes to ask yourself, "Why is this home so affordable?" If the Amityville Horror can teach us anything, it's if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Weird stuff is bound to happen. Strange noises, crazy illnesses, curses, and just overall creepy vibes mean it's time to get out. Even the Property Brothers can't save you on this one. Unless their third brother is a certified ghost hunter or can perform an exorcism. Just do the research before you commit to anything. Save yourself the trouble of moving into a completely haunted demons lair. There's no amount of shiplap and subway tiles that can rid your home of spirits and other unwelcome guests.
Always Use the Buddy System
One of the biggest takeaways from the classic film Heavyweights is the buddy system. Okay so maybe that was a comedy and used to comically prevent kids from drowning in the lake, but it remains true in many situations. Out drinking with friends? Buddy system. Investigating a creepy noise upstairs? Buddy system. Exploring on your own is a recipe for disaster. Splitting up doesn't cover any more ground than traveling in pairs. They can't get two of you at the same time. All it really does is allow screams to alert everyone else to the (impending) danger zone. Speaking of screams, don't run towards those either especially if they are upstairs. Don't be that person and run upstairs to avoid the incoming danger. Don't shower or take the scenic route. You know what? Just don't do anything alone....ever.
Always Be Prepared
If the power has magically gone out or you hear a loud noise coming from a room no one is in and you insist on investigating, always be prepared with a weapon. Never drop the weapon when you think the killer is dead..they are absolutely never dead. Michael Myers has been stabbed, shot, run over by a car, set on fire, and even buried yet still manages to come back to life every. single. time. Don't take a breather. You don't need it and you're wasting valuable time. Maybe don't take advice from Laurie Strode and hide in the closet or turn your back on the boogeyman either. He will find you.
If the Power Goes Out...You Get Out
Whether the night is stormy or not, the second the power goes out you get the hell out. Grab your buddy (remember the buddy system from above), the nearest weaponry and flee. Odds are your abode is going to be the only one (because that happens, right?) on the street without power. Don't worry though because your super helpful neighbors still have power on and you can see their porch light guiding you like a lighthouse guiding a ship into port, right? You know those incredibly kind neighbors who casually can't hear (more like ignore) you screaming for help outside. If you do manage to convince yourself to stay indoors, when you hear a weird noise: don't investigate it. See something not quite right? Don't investigate it. Catch my drift? You really should have already left by now.
Avoid Children. Always
They are known to be creepy AF. They always have imaginary friends, talk in creepy voices...and they always have dolls. Nothing is creepier than Danny riding around on his big wheel only to run into two horrifying twins. Carole Ann turning around ever so casually to announce they're hereeeeeeeeeee is something you don't soon forget. In the Amityville Horror when the daughter is singing "Jesus Loves Me" to Jodie The Pig while the rocking chair subtly moves. Don't get me started on Chucky. Literally Just everything about The Omen is terrifying. Rosemary's Baby? This is why you don't have babies in an apartment complex inhabited by a satanic cult. See what I'm getting at? Children are magnets for anything and everything creepy. Oh you want to babysit on Halloween? Just say no.
Don't Engage In Any Promiscuous Behavior of Any Kind
Sure you want to drink, do drugs, and have sex. You're a cool, fun teenager (or adult) right? Wrong. You're bound to activate any part of a horror movie villain that hates being an outsider (or has mommy issues). If you have to think to yourself, "should I be doing this...and on Halloween?" The answer is no. Halloween time is prime for being caught doing these activities because the evil is on the loose. If you are a girl tryin' to get a little lucky in a horror movie, things will not end up well for you. It's a known fact (or typical character theory) that the sexually inexperienced girl always survives until the very end to be the last one standing. Preserving a girl's innocence is enough to thwart off even the baddest of horror movie killers. But hey, if you wanna live life to the fullest while you can; go to town.