Life Lessons I've Learned from The Bachelor
Ah, Bachelor Nation. The nation I have recently joined purely by accident. My friends love The Bachelor family of products almost religiously, and I reluctantly joined their Bachelorette viewing party this last summer. I was likely invited to simply bring homemade guac, but I haven't been able to look away from this beautiful train wreck ever since. Like with most things in life we can learn a lot from The Bachelor and it's entirely unrealistic crazy universe. Since I have never really exposed myself to The Bachelor franchise of shows until last year's Bachelorette, I never realized how crazy things get sometimes. This lead me to discover some of the quirkier and stranger things that could literally only happen on a reality show about finding love. Let is dig in, shall we?
Never Wear Red - On the season premiere red was the go to color worn by the women who were hoping to "stand out." Sure, in theory this sounds like a great idea. Not all women look great in red (I don't), and with a sea of those horrible rejected prom dresses, it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. So you reach for red thinking you're original! Red is the color of love after all! Men are scientifically proven to have a greater attraction to the color red because it makes women appear warmer, competent, and feminine. But, these studies weren't completed in a competitive reality show environment now were they? Better save the red for the highly coveted one-on-one dates or just pull out that shark costume you've been dying to wear.
If You Believe Hard Enough...Sharks Can Be Dolphins - Poor Alexis had great intentions trying to be different with her dolphin costume except she clearly never saw the Katy Perry Super Bowl halftime show and it was actually a shark. Now, for someone who loves dolphins as much as she claims, she would know that sharks have side gill slits and dolphins do not. While the nation was united in the debate of Shark vs Dolphin, watching Nick have to correct her (multiple. times.) about the costume was just about a cringe worthy as watching this grown woman wade in a pool making porpoise noises.
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Do What You Love...Someone Somewhere Will Accept It - One of the best things about The Bachelor are the job titles (99% of aren't real jobs at all). Don't believe me? "Free Spirit?" Is that just a title for someone who believes they can be the Penny Lane of 2017? Alexis was labeled Aspiring Dolphin Trainer while a real job that's a pretty niche market and probably requires knowing the difference between sharks and dolphins. If anyone knows how to capitalize on the job "hipster" (another title actually used), please let me know. I could make enough to pay off my student loans. I guess it's better than selling detox tea on Instagram.
It's Okay to Have An Adult Nanny...In Your 20s - Sure, we call them "assistants" to give them some kind of real dignity in their jobs, but let's change it up. Have them bring you a midday cucumber snack (whatever that is) or make you and your significant other "cheesy pasta!" Just because you're a fully grown adult capable of making and consuming actual meals, doesn't mean you have to.
Dates Are the Worst....Especially In Groups - It's a well-known fact that most of the time spent on the show is done with alcohol and a lack of food. They never eat on dates (what a waste) and they spend hours filming them. Uncomfortable times exploring the wooded areas of a cabin (why) are just awkward to participate in let alone watch. Watching a disastrous beach volleyball date this season had to be the cream of the crop. Suddenly everyone is crying because they just realized what show they were on apparently? I don't want to compete for someone's attention and I would likely spend all my time judging everyone else instead. All I know is, if someone asks me to play beach volleyball I'm going to take a hard pass. It can't end well.
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Be Yourself....The Weirdest Version of Yourself - If Nick can do this "dinosaur" impression while trying to win the hearts of women, you can do just about anything. Odds are someone...somewhere is going to find you to be incredibly charming. Being normal is overrated. It takes a lot to be yourself in this world but we all have something that magnetized us to our ideal mate. It's probably dinosaur imitations...so start practicing.
Always Take Naps - Naps are proven to increase productivity which is why many workplaces now implement nap rooms for the employees. There's never a problem a nap can't solve. According to Corinne, once you achieve your goals (getting a rose) you no longer have to follow any rules or general human decency, and should nap instead. Was not showing up to the rose ceremony kind of dick move? Of course. But I mean...Abraham Lincoln took naps...
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When all is said and done there is a lot to learn from the Bachelor. You can take down a girl simply by saying she's not here "for the right reasons." Chris Harrison lives on island time and shows up casually to earn money by making statements once an episode. But most importantly, always tell the person you have feelings for that you have feelings for them. There's always a chance someone else will get to it before you and you should never let that happen. Never settle and never give up. When all feels lost just remember Nick has been "looking for love" on televisionfour times now.