How to Manage Toxic Relationships
This seems a little too self-help book like, but I’ve been thinking a lot about toxic relationships lately. Sometimes people enter our lives for the better and other times it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. The words “toxic relationship” just seem scary from the jump. They invoke thoughts of cheating, betrayal, lies, and other negative instances. But really, it’s any relationship that is emotionally and mentally draining. Whether it’s romantic, friendship, or even work, it encompasses any relationship that has the power to make you feel bad.
In my experience, toxic relationships have the ability to make you question just how much you’re willing to put up with and how many chances people truly deserve. You make excuses and justify things. You’ may even try to cut deals and say things like, “well, if I just give them one more chance maybe…” They impact how you feel about yourself and you’re often willing to sacrifice your own self worth in exchange for things that turn out to be nothing more than false promises. Over time, toxic relationships can wear you down, test your patience, and make you question just who you are. Relationships are meant to be 50/50 where you give as much as you take, but here the opposite is true. One person takes everything and the other seemingly has to give it all away due to a fear of what could happen if they don’t.
Whether we mean to or not we may find ourselves falling into these relationships without even realizing we’ve done it. Sometimes, like as in my case, we find ourselves reflecting on certain feelings and actions that ultimately make us realize something isn’t quite right. To me, a toxic relationship is just putting all of the energy and focus into a broken down, beat up car that runs just fine for a minute then breaks down again. You may feel they don’t listen to your feelings or your thoughts. They may try to blame you or criticize you for having feelings or reacting in a type of way. And, above all, it seems like they don’t hear you when you speak. It can feel like screaming in a crowded room and no one even turns to look. Sometimes it can be even be more serious than that. Every situation is different. But there is a way to manage toxic relationships and people which is good because we can’t just avoid people like the plague. Like lies, they eventually catch up with you.
Acknowledge the Situation As It Is
Acknowledging the relationship is unhealthy is a good place to start. It’s all too easy to make excuses and pretend that things are fine. There’s even the temptation to justify the behavior. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and that the situation at hand is difficult. This can be hard and increase anxiety. Avoidance isn’t going to help and, in fact, can make things worse in the long run. These are the protective measures we typically use, but they will only make the situation harder to deal with.
Acknowledging the negative feelings this person brings to your life can soften you into a level of acceptance. People don’t change and we can’t change them no matter how hard we may try. Knowing this person makes you feel a way you don’t like (or deserve) will give you the ability to decide where you want to go from here. Will the situation get better? Maybe it will and maybe it won’t. But rather than making excuses, you can make a choice to keep this person in your life or they have to go.
Know You Can Do Better
The cycle of a toxic relationship is continuing to believe there is nothing better out there for you. This is true when it comes to many things including friendships, work, and especially, romantic relationships. It breeds a panic state where you begin to contemplate, in romantic or friendships, what it will be like to be alone. Being alone is a very frightening thing for people. Maybe you feel as though you’re just not good at making friends or you don’t want to end up some lonely cat lady. A toxic situation can have you believing that everyone else’s life is going great while yours just stays stagnant or is falling apart in front of your eyes. It’s more important that you realize, if you’re not getting the same amount of energy you put in, that it’s probably not worth it. The time you’re wasting on this unhealthy situation can be preventing you from manifesting and drawing in what you truly do deserve. Whether that’s a new job or a new relationships, there is always something better out there that will make you happy.
Time to Detox
If you spend your time making excuses or justifying the behavior of toxic people, you’ll probably believe that you can remain contact with them and attempt to change things. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, it is like pouring water into a strainer and hoping that it doesn’t fall through the cracks all the while knowing that won’t be the case. This is when it becomes important to take a break. Don’t call or text this person. Take this opportunity to find passion projects and invest in yourself. I know this is often easier said than done. Toxic relationships frequently suck all of the air out of the room and take your self esteem with it. Join a gym, go to a book club, or just take some time to be alone. Do yoga. Meditate. Try that new restaurant in town you’ve been meaning to try. Eventually you’ll start to see that investing in yourself is a better use of time than trying to please others.
Accept that it hurts (and cry if you want to!)
It’s not really a secret how much of a toll toxic relationships and people have on you. Deciding to rid yourself, whether entirely or temporarily, of this can hurt. In fact, it will hurt and it will hurt a lot. You’ll even find yourself wondering if letting go is really all that worth it. You’re going to be scared of not having those few fleeting moments where everything was great. Getting over the discomfort you feel will seem like no big deal when you’re thriving. If you want to cry it out, go for it. It’s key to release your pain and your feelings rather than hold them in and pretend to be strong. This can only make things worse. Eventually the hole you feel in your chest will begin to feel smaller.
Toxic relationships come in many forms. In the end, it’s really just a constant attempt at fixing a beat up broken down car with the hope that someday it will run again. A lot of times the toxic person doesn’t really even understand how toxic they are being, but words don’t always work. It’s okay to take a break and rest your weary soul. The old saying is true, if it’s meant to be it will be. But you can’t force it or let yourself become someone you don’t even recognize in order to keep it. Even as I write this, I have a sinking feeling like everything won’t be okay. But this is when it’s important to acknowledge the feeling, send it off into the universe, and know that even though it doesn’t seem that way, it will be okay. It just takes time.